Untended Wounds

This picture was funny when I originally posted it...
Not when it was re-posted by a very mean woman...
You hurt me, congrats...

I've made the promise to myself to get all the crap and put it on a disc and put it away. I've been transferring the files I have and cleaning up some of the confusing messes.
I thought it would be a simple job of "cut and paste."

I figured I'd open the documents, make it more uniform, put things where they belong and move on. I didn't realize what reading those horrible words would do.
I didn't think that they would still hurt me and make me cry almost as hard as they did the first, the second or the millionth time I read them. 

Such venom, such anger, such pain.

I still don't understand it.
It's hard to see all that again and I'm trying to rush through it so I don't have to see that nastiness again.

It also helps me reflect and choose not to hurt someone like I've been hurt. At least I know I will never cause that kind of pain to someone.
I know how bad it hurts and how deep it cuts.

I've also come to realize that my husband is one of the most amazing men in the world.
He could have thrown this back at me or accused me of ruining his relationships. But he hasn't. He's taken the time to understand that I was attacked and that I struck out. He understands that while I've held back, I haven't been completely innocent.

Was I writing mean stuff about her? Nope.

Was I purposely writing private blogs with titles meant to make her think they were about her therefore driving her anger even further? Well, yeah, I was.

It makes me realize that I will never be the wife I want to be for him. I will never think I am good enough to be with him. I admit I've put my loving husband up on a pedestal and I don't plan on taking him down. I adore him and all he is and I only hope that he keeps drinking the kool-aid.

While I went through the nasty stuff that's been said, I ended up reading past blogs (from myspace, bleh) and re-living some of the other pain I had gone through around that time.
2007 and 2008 had some turbulent moments that can kiss my white as...*oops* Sorry.

I've decided that we are going to be pursuing a possible malpractice suit against the ER doctors that almost killed me in 2008. We're going to approach a lawyer about it even being possible. I will also be writing letters to Karen, the nurse who ignored me, her supervisor and all who work with her about what ignoring a patient can lead to.
I think I am ready to deal with it and I feel like I need this to truly move on.
Those months were hell and I just want to feel heard. I hope it can make a difference and maybe get doctors to actually listen to the people they are paid to care for. They got my money, my insurance's money (also my money) so they're stuck dealing with me.

I'm going to go hug my boy's extra tight now. I really need a hug...
Trying not to cry...