Yay Hoo Mt Dew!!

So We're actually pregnant with a baby!!!

We are beyond happy and excited (and I'm a little freaked out, too)!!

The doctor says we're about 7 weeks but we think we're about 5 weeks. I'm just so glad that we were able to see the baby on the ultrasound, and we even got to see his heartbeat (which is perfect)!!

I have all day sickness but as long as I eat at decent times I can pretty much override it. So it's not going to be as easy as it was with my boy (which was no sickness at all), but it shouldn't be as bad as I've heard of it being.

I'm a little worried about how the kids are going to take it, but so far they seem ok. My baby bug won't have any serious issues until I'm in my eighth month, when the baby is kicking and moving and getting more attention than him. My youngest step daughter says she's ok-ish. She's worried there won't be any time for her and her dad after the baby is born. We tried to assure her but the only way we can prove it is after the baby is born. We're trying to include her in everything but it's kind of hard to right now.

We had our talk last week and she said that she was angry and scared cause she found a pregnancy test. I don't fully believe her but if she doesn't tell us what really is bothering her than we can't fix it.

My dad is back to saying he wants to move in with us. I don't know if I should start making the plans to re-arrange the house again or if I shouldn't bother until the last minute. Our little grape baby does not like stress so I'm trying to stay as mellow as I can. I'm not worrying over any of the things I used to, and my love and I are just going with the flow and taking it all one day at a time.

My belly is still pretty flat. I haven't gained too much weight which is nice, so far, but I know I'll soon have to expand my pant size. My hips are widening and my belly is rounding out.

I'm totally craving Pizza and Baked potatoes!!!

You'll have to excuse I have to go lie down, so not feeling the greatest right now...

Altogether now

I believe that time has completely stopped for me. I feel like I have been waiting months for my next doctor's appointment when it's only been two weeks (can we re-calculate that?).

I'm not normally so impatient (pssh, lie) but this is something no one should have to wait to know. Am I pregnant with a baby or is it cancer? Kind of one extreme to another, huh?

I'm trying not to get excited and start making plans for a new arrival but how can I help it?

We know where we're going to put all the furniture, like the crib and changing table. We know what style we want. We even know what themes we want to use... We just need to know if we'll be laying down a sleeping baby or a cancerous tumor in the crib.

Panic, worry, stress.

I have a temper ( I know, duh) but I have been so good about being nice and not snapping at people. No really, I have. My strange cravings are starting to kick in. I want steak and chicken real bad right now. My weight gaining has stopped for the time being but that's fine with me for now.

But while I pace the floor waiting to know where our future lies, my youngest step-daughter has developed a certain attitude...

I don't really know how best to describe it but it's like she think she's entitled to something and she's not getting it. And while i know she's about to hit the lovely teen years of mood swings, I feel as if there's something more under the surface.

This weekend was the worse of her behavior with her volunteering to help around the house and then doing a sloppy job. When we corrected her, she starts sputtering excuses about how she didn't know (it's dusting, really?) and how if we allowed her to watch my son more often this wouldn't be a problem... .... .... ... uh, what?

How does that even relate?

We had to remind her that we offered for her to watch him and she refused. But what does this have to do with dusting? I'm still confused...

My step-daughter is a great kid and I love her to bits (most parents and step parents would kill to have a kid this good) but she has this communication problem where she starts acting out with back talk, laziness and rudeness when she has a problem on her mind. One that usually centers around me. But I don't know what I did this time!

Looking back over the weekend, she asked for a $400-$500 laptop and I told her no but that we would look into it when she went to high school. She seemed a little upset that she couldn't get it but appeared to be ok with it. Then she went to her maternal grandparents house for a party and comes back with *viola* attitude... Kind of makes me wonder what her interpretation is of how things about the laptop panned out.

I am a little frustrated and more than slightly confused. I know that we have to do the sit and talk thing... again.

In all honesty sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to correct her. And if I had the audacity to do so then all hell would break loose. Cause then she goes back to her mom and sister and tells them something like I'm just randomly mean to her or I pick on her. Then they think that she's miserable the whole time she's at our house. It's like she's doing this little manipulative game. Playing parents against each other (knowing there's just enough previous drama and misguided feelings to encourage it). Telling us how much fun she had the whole weekend and how she couldn't wait to come back and then crying home about how all we do is demean her.

I just wish the bull between the two families would stop. It's too much. The angry oldest step daughter and the ex who refuses to openly communicate.

And in the middle of all of it is a little girl. Trapped between almost having to choose sides. Choose which parent she loves more than the other. We do all we can to make sure that she's comfortable and that she's included. Especially when making family decisions.

Oh frick, can't we just get along?

What Do I Do With This?

I love this photo.

I love how it captures the body of a real woman who's given birth.

I hate that there are so many small minded people that this picture being in a magazine has actually caused controversy.

But that's not my point for today...

I'm pregnant...

But don't bust out the trumpets yet...

I don't know what I'm pregnant with. Is it a baby? A cancerous grape cluster? Half baby, half grape tumor?

When do we get to find out? How does at least another three weeks sound to you?

I am so frustrated right now because I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I should start nurturing the growth inside me and allow my dream to be annihilated if I have to have (another) D&C? Or do I just accept the fact that I have another molar pregnancy and wait for the phone call to schedule my operation?

I can't talk to anyone about this yet because we're not trying to get anyone excited but we're also not trying to have our family worried (again) about my health.

But more than anything I can't stop going back and forth on what I want. I totally don't want to go through all the molar drama again but are we ready for a baby?

I mean, it's been 7 years since I had my boy and twelve years since my husband had a newborn to care for. Are we ready to be "new" parents again? The sleepless nights, the late night feedings, the endless crying, the piles of mess, do we really want to take that on again?

Or are we insane for trying to deny that we've wanted a baby for the past two years and this would complete our happy little family? I mean, aren't the dirty diapers worth that first giggle? Or the first time the little one holds your pinkie? Or the tired little yawns?

See what I mean?

Back and forth...

What happened to my being able to get pregnant on the drop of the hat? I was the healthy one, the one with not a single problem during pregnancy (my ex and his shenanigans do not count), the one that carried for exactly nine months to the day...

And now I might be "High risk"?

Okay, honestly, screw all the logical thought process...

I want to be pregnant with a baby and whether it be high risk, or forced bed rest I want to go through it. I want this and I know my husband does and I know that regardless of what we go through, we're doing it together and as long as I have my husband by my side... Bring it on....

Oh, golly that feels so good to get out!