What Do I Do With This?

I love this photo.

I love how it captures the body of a real woman who's given birth.

I hate that there are so many small minded people that this picture being in a magazine has actually caused controversy.

But that's not my point for today...

I'm pregnant...

But don't bust out the trumpets yet...

I don't know what I'm pregnant with. Is it a baby? A cancerous grape cluster? Half baby, half grape tumor?

When do we get to find out? How does at least another three weeks sound to you?

I am so frustrated right now because I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I should start nurturing the growth inside me and allow my dream to be annihilated if I have to have (another) D&C? Or do I just accept the fact that I have another molar pregnancy and wait for the phone call to schedule my operation?

I can't talk to anyone about this yet because we're not trying to get anyone excited but we're also not trying to have our family worried (again) about my health.

But more than anything I can't stop going back and forth on what I want. I totally don't want to go through all the molar drama again but are we ready for a baby?

I mean, it's been 7 years since I had my boy and twelve years since my husband had a newborn to care for. Are we ready to be "new" parents again? The sleepless nights, the late night feedings, the endless crying, the piles of mess, do we really want to take that on again?

Or are we insane for trying to deny that we've wanted a baby for the past two years and this would complete our happy little family? I mean, aren't the dirty diapers worth that first giggle? Or the first time the little one holds your pinkie? Or the tired little yawns?

See what I mean?

Back and forth...

What happened to my being able to get pregnant on the drop of the hat? I was the healthy one, the one with not a single problem during pregnancy (my ex and his shenanigans do not count), the one that carried for exactly nine months to the day...

And now I might be "High risk"?

Okay, honestly, screw all the logical thought process...

I want to be pregnant with a baby and whether it be high risk, or forced bed rest I want to go through it. I want this and I know my husband does and I know that regardless of what we go through, we're doing it together and as long as I have my husband by my side... Bring it on....

Oh, golly that feels so good to get out!