Searching

I have had a major guilt trip lately and the nagging feeling I haven't done something that I am supposed to. I keep searching and looking for what it could be but I have no idea. As I search through my feelings, I've been told to write it out to maybe help me see if the answer is in my own head. A tactic I learned a long time ago was to write to the person you feel has done you wrong or you have done wrong to.
I am keeping it simple:

"I think of you as part of my family, even if you can't or won't.
I forgive your judgements and your inability to forgive as easily or even at all.

I wish I could be as cruel as you.
I wish I could turn around and never look back.
But I can't.
And I won't."

Opposites Don't Attract, They're Just Brothers

How in the world did I end up with two almost completely opposite children? I mean, they both like dancing and that's about the only similarity that I can find between my two boys. Don't tell me that they have different dads and therefore their differences are genetic because Fart Bone and Ham-Da have similarities and they have different moms.

Chunko rarely cuddles - Fart Bone is a cuddler to his core

Chunko falls, gets hurt, screams, and goes back to playing - Fart Bone will cry for three days straight

Chunko is just now starting to sleep through the night - Fart Bone slept through the night from day one

Chunko refuses to talk to us - Fart Bone wouldn't stop talking from his first word

Chunko will not do a new "trick" when asked - Fart Bone would do whatever you asked him as long as you clapped

On, and on, and on, you get the point.
Oh and the other thing they have in common is that they are both huge flirts... Great. Mother is so proud.


So you saw that Chunko is now sleeping through the night, right? Isn't it great? My love and I are actually looking like people who sleep and not like sleep-deprived zombies who will eat your brains if you get too close. I want to cry because my baby is getting to be such a big boy so soon but I really like sleeping too much to stop it.

We get him in his jammies (size 3T that my 5 year old nephew was wearing 5 seconds ago) and we give everyone goodnight kisses. This is when Chunko will try to do anything to get out of doing. He knows what happens after Nigh-Night kisses... Bed time. He runs to PopPop's room and pretends like he was called in there to make sure that the remote was still working. After his delay tactics, we do the "Dead Man's" walk. He bravely grabs one of our hands, puts in his binky in and then marches solemnly to his room. He climbs into bed, pulls his blanket up and tucks himself in. We have to make sure he's snug like a bug and he has to have his blanket neat (I think it's another delay tactic but if that's what he thinks he needs then we'll oblige). We give a few more kisses and tell him he's a big boy. Cause he is. He is such a big boy to go to bed so easily. We turn off the lights and that's it. He goes to sleep. No crying, no whimpering, just little baby snores. He won't wake again until about 6am and then he comes into our room and snuggles in for the last hour before our day starts.

It's been hard and it's been emotional but it's been SO FREAKING WORTH IT!!!!!!

So this is me signing out, and now I'll have to come up with another excuse as to why my posts are random and make no sense. Can't blame preggo brain and now I can't blame sleep deprivation soooooooooooo I guess I'll have to take up drinking. I've just discovered sparkling Moscatto, I'm sure I can indulge in that a bit.



Ps, oh and if you haven't already figured it out, those would be panty liners stuck to my precious baby's belly. This would be why I am not allowed to leave him alone in bathroom anymore.

Rules of Football

The rules of football as I've learned them from my 8 year old nut:

1. As the center, after you hike the ball, jump and wave her arms wildly to distract the other team from your quarterback
2.To conserve energy skip, instead of run, across the field
3. It's completely okay to throw grass from the sidelines at the opposing team as they run by you
4. To help boost your score, try to bribe the kid holding the score card into helping you out
5. If the flag does not come off with an easy tug, just take the whole belt off
6. The object of tossing the football is to throw it hard enough that no one can catch it, not even your teammates
7. After the ball is in play, dance around madly and "Whoop" excitedly, no matter which team has the ball
8. If someone charges at you, throw the ball at them and hope they stop
9. McDonald's is the only food football stars are allowed to eat after a game
10. If you make ugly scary faces at the coach... He will not be overly amused



Fart Bone has recently started playing flag football and is enjoying it. He loves going to practice and playing with his team. They had their very first game on Saturday. They did lose but they fought really hard to not let the other team score until almost 30 minutes of overtime.

He wanted to play football and I didn't like the idea of my baby being tackled by some beast child with a moustache named "Mongo" so this is our compromise. He plays a sport and I don't have to have a panic attack.

He's a great center but he doesn't enjoy that position as much as the Rusher. He's a really fast runner but for some reason he won't run during games. He skips around and sings. Again, so glad he is not playing tackle football.

The moms are really nice... When my husband is around. If it's me by myself, they are rude and abrasive. They hold their husband's hands and glare at me. I'm sorry but I'm very happily married and I am not shopping for husband #3... And if I was it sure wouldn't be at a peewee flag football game.
Needless to say, my love goes to most games with me. It's actually kind of fun to load up the family and watch Fart Bone practice while Chunko flirts with the mommies. He's got his own groupies already. Even the dads are in love with his cuteness.

So now we're a "Sports" family... I'll let you know how this goes

I'll Always Remember

I had spent the better part of the night before drinking.
Laughing and playing our favorite games with a small group of my closest friends.
The next morning four of us woke up extra early to take my friend to class and drop me off at work on the way. My car was broken (again). It was either get up at 5am or take the bus across town and still get up at 5am.
I, thankfully, did not have a hangover (I was so lucky back then) and I groggily walked into work hoping to catch a couple of winks before my work day technically started. 

There was a co-worker who was always in early and he jovially greeted me with his usual "Go ahead and go back home. Doesn't look like we'll be working today."
I snickered as I always did.
It was his version of "Good morning" almost.

This time, though, he insisted.

"No, really, go home."
I was way too tired to deal with his joking so I waved him off.
He grabbed my arm, pulled me into our conference room where there was a TV on.

Right as I looked at the screen, the second plane hit.
I had never heard of the Twin Towers.
I watched mesmerized as the first tower fell and shortly after, the second one.
You could see the fight they gave before they finally just couldn't hold any longer and fell.
It was almost as if they were trying to hold on for the people inside.

It was a day, 24 hours, that I will forever remember clearly.
It still feels like yesterday.

My dad picked me up from work and drove me to my place. I begged my parents to come stay with me because they lived too close to the Air Force Base but they wanted to be home.

I went straight to my couch and watched every news channel I could to stay updated on what was happening. I was devastated even though I knew no one there. There was a huge sense of loss and plain shock.

The days following as a nation truly became united and stood as one was beautiful.
The days following that showed the darker side of fear as some people ostracized anybody resembling a Middle Eastern was saddening.

My family is part Lebanese.
My aunt was kicked out of a convenience store and called horrible names because she was a "terrorist."
My dad's car was spit on while he was pumping gas.
My family feared the ignorant people that didn't understand.

 I'll always remember the unity.
I'll always remember the color gray, not as a depressing color, but as a color that made us one as we helped each other through the ash.
I'll always remember the bravery of our firefighters, our police officers, our paramedics, our soldiers and our "everyday" citizens that rushed to aid the fallen, the injured and the scared.
I'll always remember that missing the bus may not always be the worse thing to happen.
I'll always remember... NEVER FORGET

9/11/2001

Dear Grandma: I miss you

I was waiting in the far left turn lane for the light to turn green. The light turns and I go forward and stay in my lane as I am supposed to. The car next to me comes into my lane forcing me to run up onto the median and blast my horn at them. The car jerks into their lane. I look into the car and in the passenger seat is an older woman with puffy red hair flipping me the middle finger... and I all I could do was smile.

I thought of you, Grandma.

Not because you were always flipping people off or because you were a poor driver but because you were defiant and you stood your ground.

You were fiery and you were feisty but you were also a lover and not a fighter.

I remember once that you received a phone call. The man asked how you were and what you were doing and you kindly answered. Then he asked what you were wearing and again you answered, even though you were surprised. He said a few naughty things and you chided him on being proper. You said if he couldn't be nice to you then you would hang up. He apologized and you ended up having a two hour phone conversation with him. He even called you a couple more times after that. Turns out it was a man in prison who was randomly calling people hoping for phone sex or just someone to talk to. You were that person to talk to.

I remember the first time you met my ex. You blurted out "What the phuck is wrong with your face?" (because of his multiple facial piercings) and then you hugged him and called him yours. You were swift to threaten him if he ever hurt me but you were quick to let him know family is family and he was now a part of that.

I remember when I bought my first car from a dealership and it turned out to be a lemon. You went with me to the dealership and you let that woman know what you thought of her and her whole family. I'd never seen you so angry. You scared them so bad that when I returned the car "as is" they never said a word or tried to collect the rest of the debt.

You always had a wise word or a funny story. You were always there to listen to me and I hope you knew that I was there for you, too. You were my strength when I needed it. You were strength in all it's glory. You took me in as I were blood when your son married my mom and you never once allowed anyone to question my place.

I got married and had my baby shower in your community's clubhouse so that I could feel closer to you. I needed to be where you celebrated your 50th anniversary and so many other events and times. I know you aren't here anymore but I wanted to feel like you could be here.

I wish we had had more time together. I wish you could see the imprint you made on my life. I wish you could see how your wisdom and helpful advice helped lead me to be who I am today. You were there when I was at the bottom and you helped me realize what I wanted. You taught me of karma and the golden rule. I feel as if I have also traveled the world from hearing your stories and I can only hope that one day I have my Trudy to share my later years with as you did.

You were the matriarch.
You were the backbone.
You were the heart.
And you were the brains (don't tell anyone else that, though, they might get mad).

I think of you almost every day and I miss you more than I can say.
I love you, Grandma
Wish you were here

Keeping the Chunk in Chunko

Dear Chunko:

You had your 15 month checkup this week and you are still off the charts at 33lbs and 36 1/2 inches. You were at almost 35 pounds but you have insisted on only being fed ramen for these past two weeks and so you lost a small bit of weight. The doctor asked a few basic questions and then asked what you were up to lately... I asked if he meant besides destroying our house every single day?

But seriously kid, you have learned so much these past few weeks and as I've said before, I can't keep up with all you're doing and showing us but here is a small list:

• You shake your head for "yes" and now also for "No"
• You are obsessed with playing "Stinky Feet" still. This isn't new but we can't even say the word "Stink" without your little foot shooting up asking to be smelled
• Because you thoroughly enjoy playing "Stinky Feet" you will also smell others feet and will wave your hand in front of your face to show "Eww, stinky"
• You can now safely navigate up and down the stairs. You think that you can walk down holding just the banister but you are just a hair too short still.
• When you want to watch a movie, you want to watch a movie NOW. You know how to grab your movie, turn on the DVD player and push it to open. You still haven't figured out how to push "Play" yet and I don't think any of us are eager for you to learn. PS, your favorite "movie" is a drink coaster so please stop jamming it into the player!
• You love playing with bouncy balls and can throw them really far. Your dad has high hopes that you could be a baseball player when you get older. I'm still hoping for ballerina
• You can now sign for: More, All Done, Drink, Eat, Hot and Please!!! You really like using that "Please" sign and throw it out every chance you get. Don't worry, the cuteness will wear off shortly
• You also say: Mama, Dada, All Done, More, 'Lo, Uh-Oh, Dat, Banana, Nom-Nom, Out There and Right There
• You can also now say Hannah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's more like "Annah" but you are beyond super cute when you say it!
• You adore your sister and all that she does. She has taught you to make several funny faces and if she says to do it, you can't wait to show her you can. The other day during your bath she was showing an animal book and telling you their sounds. She said "This is a puppy, the puppy says Bark, Bark" and you said "Bark, Bark" (!!!!!!!!!) then she oinked like a pig and you tried that too!I can't wait to see what she teaches you next
• You like to text. You are always trying to steal our phones and several of my friends have received your lovely messages. It's mostly Auntie who you like to talk to but every now and then someone else will hear from you
• You are always jumping and dancing. If there's any hint of music, you are  up and moving. You actually have some pretty good moves, too (that's why I'm voting for ballerina)
• You are determined to figure out outlets and plugs. You have learned how to plug things in and rip them out of the outlet (which makes me not a happy Mommy) and now you are figuring out how to plug it back in and make it work. Your studies are intense and I constantly worry you are going to zap yourself. You licked it once and got a good jolt but you just came right back for more
• You really like to unplug our floor fans, drag them into another room and then plug it back in. We're always chasing after you as you run off with our fan. You've made outlet covers nearly useless as you can sometimes pop them off. It's only a matter of time before you can do it all the time
• Your love of the vacuum continues into the realm of ridiculous. Does it really need to have the cord wrapped and unwrapped? Does it really need to be taken to bed with you? Does it really need to be dragged down the street as I chase you? Does it really need to sit next to you for dinnertime?
• You are recognizing your family and like to point at the many family pictures and say their names. If you see someone you don't know you ask "Dat?" and we tell you.
• First you demolished the gate, then you learned how to climb over it. Then you jumped out of your crib and learned how to climb out of your playpen. You have made restricting you nearly impossible. We thought we had you with locking doors but now you are learning how to unlock them. We lock some doors from the inside but we only have one key and it's constantly getting lost so we find both you and ourselves locked out the majority of the time
• This is my favorite... You are recognizing potty time. You are watching us go potty and you are learning to flush and to wipe and you really want to be a part of it. One time I even got you to pee near your potty chair! I'll take it for now. You seem to think going potty is only for adults and not for Chunko but you are realizing when you have to go potty and you like to make sure we all are watching as you pee in your diaper. One time you accidentally pulled your diaper too low and you peed outside it. You got a huge kick out of it. I've been letting you run around nakey lately to encourage your potty training (I don't really like calling it training but potty encouraging sounds weird). My fears of you being in adult sized diapers are slowly disappearing
  
  I truly love this time of learning and discovery. I love being able to ask you to get your binky and you go and get it. I love asking you to go wake up sister and you go running to her. I love that I can ask you to bring the ball to your brother and you hand it to him. I love that I can ask you questions and you can answer them. I am madly in love with your sloppy baby kisses and your eagerness to share them.
  
  I absolutely adore you and all you are doing (well, maybe not all of it but most of it)! You definitely keep us on our toes!