The Reality Of It All

I didn't get to weigh myself for two days and I thought I was going to have a panic attack...
That's two whole days of not knowing how much I've gained or lost...

Then I realized...

No matter how much I've denied it or claimed I've got control of it...

It's here..

I am fighting anorexia.

I hate saying that. I feel sick just thinking that it's true.

I weigh myself in the mornings

I weigh myself before I go to sleep

I weigh myself fully clothed

I weigh myself after I eat dinner

I weigh myself nude

I shave my legs and brush my hair in hopes that it'll help me lose an ounce or two

I pray that I'll catch the stomach flu (why is it you never get sick when you want to?)

I wish that I could drag my scale to work with me so I could weigh myself after lunch

I went until 4pm before I got hungry one day and I was excited that I could go so long without eating

I am down to 179 but I haven't even started working out as I have promised. I've been sick and I have a hard time breathing but it's just an excuse.

The stupid part about this is that I don't think I'm fat. No really, I don't. I just want to fit my old clothes again. If I was forever stuck at 179 I wouldn't cry. Well, I would but only after I spent lots of money buying a whole new wardrobe to fit my new body. I hate wearing my maternity pants because they're my only work pants that fit me. I hate wearing the same shirts every week. I hate not wearing cute little button downs and blazers....

I have amazing self-confidence.

I know I am not the most attractive person but I know that my love finds me sexy and his opinion is all that matters to me. I am never (Never) going to be a size 2. I'll probably never be less than a 12.

But that works for me.

I have a little waist (usually, not now) and humongous hips.

FYI: Marilyn Monroe was a size 12, too.

I can joke about my size because I'm confident in my body.
Do I really think I"m a whale? Uh, no

Regardless of my confidence I can't seem to stop worrying about the numbers.

I've got to see lower numbers.

Something struck me wrong when I was watching "What's Eating You" and mentally jotting down tips... Chalk doesn't taste too bad, right?

As much as I hate admitting it, I have to.

If I put it out there then I can't hide it.

I can't pretend that I had a big lunch and I'm just not hungry.

I can't pretend anymore and I need that.



Please don't take this as a "Tell me I'm skinny" thing or a "Tell me that you wish you were my size" thing...

Again, I don't think I'm fat... I just wish my effing scale would agree with me!!!

DIY First Timers

 So these are the latest additions to our home.

 We plan on sanding them down and repainting them...

But we don't know what color to paint them.

Our household colors run towards sand, chocolate, and light green (somehow?) and a maple wood for accents and cabinetry.

I took pictures of the items themselves and then of the area where we plan on stashing them...

On that note

We're putting it into your hands...

So... What color do we pick?

Do we paint both the same color as they are on opposite sides of the room or do we just go nuts and paint them different colors?

Six Month Celebrations

Today is your 6 month birthday!!!

You are far surpassing all of your dad's and my expectations and we couldn't be happier... Or sadder.

You're personality is so strong and you are soaring through all your little milestones.

I want to hug you and squish you and love you!!

You are currently at 25.8 pounds and 31 inches. I could have sworn you had reached 32 1/2 but I guess Mommy measured bad you shrunk. You are barely fitting 12 month clothing anymore and we're now starting the slow switch to 18 month. You realize that diapers are still only made up to size 7, right? You're already at 5 and those are getting a little tight. You might want to slow down, I'm just saying.

You have conquered crawling and as soon as your feet hit the ground you are gone. You typically go for the speaker wires first, then the door stoppers and your last hope for trouble is Mommy's urn. If you've been stopped from your three favorites, you tend to test out a shoe or two, sometimes even a backpack strap. Your ultimate goal is the remote, of course. You want to get your chubby little hands on one so bad....

You are determined to stand on your own. Pulling yourself up and holding onto things is just not good enough anymore. You are so independent. You "allow" us the privilege of holding our hands until you're steady and then you let go... Amazingly enough, you fall on your little diapered booty.

More and more often now, though, you are staying up. It's only for a few seconds, but it's enough to make our hearts stop.

The more you go to your favorite sitter's house, the more stuff you see and want to do. Her youngest is walking and now you seem to think you can, too. The only problem with that, is that he is 6 months older!!!

Please don't celebrate your 7 month birthday with your first step... Please?

I'll buy you chocolate!! 

Or a remote just for you!!

Or Speaker wire!!

Or a car!!

Whatever, just please don't walk yet!! 

You are learning who's family and how to get the most attention possible.

We went to a restaurant... okay fine, McDonald's... Mommy took you to McDonald's!! You were being mean and fussy (I blame the boogerz, you blame me) and the older three were being insane in the house. You'll appreciate my lack of patience when you're old enough to enjoy the playplace....

Anyways...

We went to McDonald's and you were sitting in your highchair, eating and chatting away when you suddenly threw your toy on the floor. You leaned down to get it, but obviously way too high to reach... A stranger taking pity on you, picked it up and handed it back to you...

Then your eyes twinkled...

You had struck gold...

As the next innocent stranger started to pass, you threw your toy down and pretended to reach for it.. And she picked it up. Told you that you were a cutie and in return you give her big smiles...

Poor people at McDonald's never saw you coming. You played that game for about thirty minutes.

As your brother before you and your sister before him, you never tire of attention.

Welcome to the family, Chunko, you are officially a ham

* You give open mouthed kisses (after Mommy tortures you)

* You love wrestling

* You lift your arms up for hugs

* You refuse to be left out during dinner time (if you're napping, you will wake up as soon as we all sit)

* You love your bath and no one is allowed to even think of running water without plans on putting you in it. This includes doing the dishes or Mommy/ Daddy's shower times.

* Mirror Baby is your best friend and you love saying "Good Morning" and "Good Night" to him

* If we take you out to eat, there is reason (as far you are concerned) why you can't jump onto other people's tables and share food

* If you're mad at Mommy, you know to pull her hair... That's not your nicest trick

Your smile brightens my day and your laugh melts my heart

Happy Half Year Birthday Chunko!!!!!!!