The Reality Of It All

I didn't get to weigh myself for two days and I thought I was going to have a panic attack...
That's two whole days of not knowing how much I've gained or lost...

Then I realized...

No matter how much I've denied it or claimed I've got control of it...

It's here..

I am fighting anorexia.

I hate saying that. I feel sick just thinking that it's true.

I weigh myself in the mornings

I weigh myself before I go to sleep

I weigh myself fully clothed

I weigh myself after I eat dinner

I weigh myself nude

I shave my legs and brush my hair in hopes that it'll help me lose an ounce or two

I pray that I'll catch the stomach flu (why is it you never get sick when you want to?)

I wish that I could drag my scale to work with me so I could weigh myself after lunch

I went until 4pm before I got hungry one day and I was excited that I could go so long without eating

I am down to 179 but I haven't even started working out as I have promised. I've been sick and I have a hard time breathing but it's just an excuse.

The stupid part about this is that I don't think I'm fat. No really, I don't. I just want to fit my old clothes again. If I was forever stuck at 179 I wouldn't cry. Well, I would but only after I spent lots of money buying a whole new wardrobe to fit my new body. I hate wearing my maternity pants because they're my only work pants that fit me. I hate wearing the same shirts every week. I hate not wearing cute little button downs and blazers....

I have amazing self-confidence.

I know I am not the most attractive person but I know that my love finds me sexy and his opinion is all that matters to me. I am never (Never) going to be a size 2. I'll probably never be less than a 12.

But that works for me.

I have a little waist (usually, not now) and humongous hips.

FYI: Marilyn Monroe was a size 12, too.

I can joke about my size because I'm confident in my body.
Do I really think I"m a whale? Uh, no

Regardless of my confidence I can't seem to stop worrying about the numbers.

I've got to see lower numbers.

Something struck me wrong when I was watching "What's Eating You" and mentally jotting down tips... Chalk doesn't taste too bad, right?

As much as I hate admitting it, I have to.

If I put it out there then I can't hide it.

I can't pretend that I had a big lunch and I'm just not hungry.

I can't pretend anymore and I need that.



Please don't take this as a "Tell me I'm skinny" thing or a "Tell me that you wish you were my size" thing...

Again, I don't think I'm fat... I just wish my effing scale would agree with me!!!