Crappy Pictures R Us

I don't know what the heck is wrong with the idiots who take Fart Bone's school pictures but I have declared war on them.

Life touch? Psshh, more like "Crappy Pictures R Us"

At the beginning of kindergarten and even first grade, we were begging Fart Bone to take a nice picture. He did a fake, cringe-like smile and rocked the "What the heck did you just call me?" look.

A couple of years ago, we tried some School Picture Training and we practiced his smile for hours. I gave up on getting nice, model-esque pictures of my crazy boy child and decided that if you can't fight them, then why not join them? We practiced goofy lopsided grins and we practiced a few really nice wide smiles (I hadn't completely given up yet).

When we got his pictures, his smile was actually very cute... He looked adorable, and then I noticed his shirt was tucked in. It wasn't even neatly tucked in, it was shoved in a half assed attempt to tuck my kid's shirt in. I HATE tucked in shirts. I spit venom at tucked in shirts. I don't know what it is about them but to see a shirt crappily tucked in rubs my nerves raw.

I assumed it was a fluke. I was a bit pissy but I rolled with it.

Then it was time for spring pictures. I put him in a shirt they couldn't tuck in and we practiced his smiles again. I had high hopes. Then we got the pictures....

He was in a ridiculous pose (Standing, with his hand literally gripping his chin? Who does that????) and they made him "lessen his smile"
Apparently the professional photographer thought that my sons smile was too much and made him lessen his grin. Am I the only one dying from the rancid stupidity?

I called to complain about the pose and they told me the pose goes with the background. Um, I am not a graphic designer or even proficient in photoshop (I can' even open it), but I know that I can easily switch out the background or the pose. I know because I did it!

So it was time for war...

School pictures came up again and I told Fart Bone that he was going to give me his most ridiculous smile. I wanted it to ooze with creepy stalker goodness or to remind you of someones porcelain clown collection. I wanted ugly and I wanted to cry with laughter when I saw them.

Aaaaannnnnddd they sucked.

Weak smile, lifeless eyes, lame, lame and lame. I was so mad.

First they tuck my kid's shirt in. Then they plead stupidity and refuse to change the pose. Then they made Fart Bone smile less and then, lastly they photograph him with a lame look on his face?

So it is time for spring pictures... I told him to tell the photographer that I am the one paying for the pictures and if they aren't going in the yearbook, then why can't I have it my way. I told him to tell these Lifetouch jerks that they were stupid and I might have given him a few sample taunts if the photographer argued with him (I said I was mad).
We practiced.
1.
2.
3.
Smile

 I told him I really wanted the serious frown but if not I wanted a "slap you in the face" cheesy grin with all his teeth (even the molars that hadn't grown in yet). I told him that if the photographer told him to lessen his smile, then he was to keep frowning until the photographer gave up.

After school today, I made him show me what he was able to do... He showed me two options... He won't tell me which one was taken. I guess I have to wait the 16 weeks to find out (which means so do you, I know you are dying to know). 

He has such an amazing smile... I adore him. Don't those dimples kill you?

I understand why my parents gave up on my school pictures. Why pay $50 for pictures you can't stand? You can't be there to approve. You can't even view samples before a final selection. You can't even choose a nice background without it coming with a lame pose.